My son came to me and told me, “I’m fat” with a sad pout on his face and puppy eyes. It’s one of those where I would think he was faking, but he wasn’t. I didn’t quite respond right away. In my silence, he continued to say, pretty much in all whiny sad tone that he was going on a diet and need to exercise because he feels fat. Now this is coming from a 10 year old who weighs 110, very active but is just bigger mass of bone, in my opinion. I wasn’t sure how to approach this because I too, was called “fat” when I was young even when I didn’t think I was fat. It hurt my feelings and really dented my self esteem to have a gage on where fat starts in your life. I’m sure it was my family’s way of saying, “I love you”, but I had to break through a lot of reasoning in my head to see why their opinion did not define my fatness. I define my fatness! I get to say whether am fat or not.
So I realized that my son is going through what I went through. I must have sheltered him way too much. I never ever gaged a person with the word “fat” or “skinny” with my kids. I always emphasized on the inner beauty of people for them to see that. To see beyond the physical because in theory we are all different and therefore we all get to choose how we want to be, in theory of physical, is what I’m talking about right now.
I try not to make this about me because it really is about my son. It sucks that he was somehow told he was fat blah blah blah and therefore feels this sense he’s fat, it dented his self esteem. He has felt that his supposed “fat” ness has not allowed him to play his best. Please remember I do not think my son is fat. He has such fast metabolism, he easily gains weight to easily losing weight. It never worried me, he eats balanced and is just a growing boy. I tried to avoid my son the trauma I received from being called “fat” as a young kid, from people that mattered to me.
Now I see, they’ve had the chance to go around me and traumatize him themselves… Okay I’m exaggerating. I did know at one point that my family would say something to him. It’s nothing personal, it’s just their way of saying “i love you” and I knew I would have to do some damage control. And the moment came, “I guess I better say something” I’m thinking to my head as my son looks to me for some kind of reassurance and comfort from just being convinced he’s fat.
You see, my children may be young, but they are smart asses in their cute little monster ways. My kids hold me at a high standard because they understand the reason to the things I do. So when I contradict myself, where they feel and experience that I’m not walking the talking I’m doing, these kids have no shame on calling me out. The sword cuts both ways. I mean there are boundaries, but I am willing and open to their opinion and willing to discuss any misunderstanding.
I took a deep breath and really tried not to sound frustrated and so emotionally attached to this damage control I’m having to do. As I get our beds ready, I tell him my honest truth. I told him I didn’t think he was fat. I told him I don’t even know where he got those words or idea to describe himself because I didn’t ever teach him to use to describe people as. I told him, I’m not worried about his weight and explained to him why I think he’s fine and healthy. I told him I was also called “fat” throughout my childhood and still do if they think I’m fat.
I told him that, what’s fat to him may not be fat to me, so maybe that’s why I’m not seeing it. “Fat” in theory is different for everyone. So I asked him if he thought he was fat, he sighed and shook his head no. Whew! What a relief because it totally makes my life easier.
I told my son, how I overcame my family calling me fat. I realized they care about me and it was their weird way of caring because obviously they were paying attention to me. I know there’s tough love type deal, but I do believe after tough love, communication is a must… because tough love doesn’t normally include communication, rough communication maybe.
I told him, “if you have’t noticed, everybody has an opinion of everybody on anything, it’s part of life, we all see things differently because we are all different. So when one says something you are, why would you believe them and take that as your truth? No one gets to tell you who you are. You just say okay because you know, you ain’t fat. I just don’t ever want you to go on some kind of healthy kick because somebody else said you were fat. They can also say you’re super tall, but you know you ain’t super tall, so you say okay and you walk away. I don’t think you’re fat, you have big bones, that’s your superpower. So don’t be calling anybody fat, it just hurts peoples feelings, not much truth to it.” I had to add the ‘don’t be calling anybody fat’ because I do believe kids have this psyche when they hear or watch or experience stuff, they have a tendency to try to experience the moment themselves. The beginning stages of the theory of ‘circle of abuse’. So I want to make sure to really try to end it here. Since I was in a roll and sometimes I tend to rub it in around and around but my son knows when to tell me he got the point. He is s a smart kid. I added, “People can say whatever they want, it doesn’t make it true. I’m sorry you were called fat, but you’re not fat. You’re a handsome child, strong, brave, funny, kind, good brother, sometimes whiny, definitely full of questions about life, competitive with a big heart. This is why you never hear me say fat about anyone, it’s not nice. There’s so many things to say to someone, why not say the nice things. Don’t be like that.”
I really felt I could have done better, but with my experiences with my son I’m hoping he got the point, because he really don’t call people describing words such as. We really just don’t do that.
Oh parenting and spirituality… It really is just teaching our kids to be a better person, maybe omitting some realities that were not so favorable and we already know can be hurtful and providing an existence that exist with a lot more love that it’s duality. To be able to teach the children the wisdom as you also learn. It is something I am learning to master within myself, with my children. My children are learning from watching me. So I try to keep my A Game on as authentic as I am to myself. Honest communication is key. [/vc_column_text][/vc_column][/vc_row]